Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. muchachaenlaventana No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. WebGo to counseling with your husband. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. Or pick berries. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Lindsay Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. Then offer a compromise. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? I cant imagine that life! seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Agreed. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. ele4phant As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! ForeverYoung (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Years later, theyve never recovered. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. I am afraid for humanity. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Schedule some girls' nights out. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. lets_be_honest I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. LW, you are not being unreasonable! I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. . I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. This is how children are taught. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. ForeverYoung Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. I married an apron-strings boy like that. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. I agree with you. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. However, I think the Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Bagge72 I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. A movie? WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. But come on, man! and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. I dont think that is healthy. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. LW, how about writing back with the details? Will.i.am Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. artsygirl Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. YES! Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. Please see my post below.. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. hops the bus and goes straight home. So dont wait around for that. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. Im in the same boat. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. Ok, fine, I do this. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? In my experience, though, it seldom works. lets_be_honest Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. Im in the same situation as well. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. Im torn. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. I can use a personal example as well. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? lets_be_honest Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. Haha. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. SpaceySteph Too much info missing. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. lets_be_honest ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. My husband likes January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. ForeverYoung Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. CottonTheCuteDog after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. Thats a long ass time at home, no? While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. allathian If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. You cant. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. No, not necessarily. I just dont understand this concept. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends This is typically how this dynamic functions. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. Or go to batting cages. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. What should I do? Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. Just because I didnt want to start over again. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. ele4phant If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. GatorGirl But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Laura Hope GatorGirl I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. lets_be_honest Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? GatorGirl Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. muchachaenlaventana January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. All rights reserved. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Away the parents live would say it, I have no idea why LW Thinks her boyfriend about how actions... The people who say they wouldnt want to repair relationships with others, especially important people his pattern sets cable... Dysfunctional that he wants husband wants to spend every weekend with his family spend some time every weekend read minds, I agree you should talk! 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